I want to start this post off by first thanking my friends, family and boyfriend for being so supportive over the last six months. My emotions have been so up and down being unemployed. I’ve been happy, depressed, anxious,angry and felt very worthless. Looking for a new job is soul sucking and frustrating. Constant rejection and times when you don’t even feel like you are given a chance. It really starts to have an affect on your whole emotional well being. I understand that rejection is a part of life and its always going to be there, but when its no after no you start to feel really lousy about yourself. You start to think why am I never good enough? What more could I have done? I tried to tell myself that “it wasn’t meant to be” but after telling yourself that or hearing people tell you that for six months its exhausting.
After six long months of searching for a new job, applying to over 200 jobs, countless phone interviews, constant “we think you are great but..”emails I can say finally that I have a new job and I will be starting May 9th! One of the guys that I interviewed with knows my boyfriend and I finally met him in my fourth round of interviews. After extending an offer Rhys reached out to thank him. Among many things the guy said he replied “she is strong!” and you know what damnit I am! I know what I can bring to the table and I know what a hard worker I am. That comment right there really helped to bring back some of my confidence that I lost over time. In that moment I really needed that.
Over the last six months I talked about the ranges of emotions that I went through. I know that depression and anxiety is not something people really like to talk about because there is such a stigma around it. Well not today, I am here to unload and let you guys know some of the things I struggled with.
- For a while if anyone were to call me I would dodge their phone calls. My mom would call me multiple times a week and I wouldn’t call her back or I would eventually just see her and she would be like “I called you and left you a voicemail” and I would say “Oh I never got it”. I got it, I saw those calls but I didn’t want to chat. I didn’t want to talk about how I hadn’t found a job yet, or how many jobs I applied to or where I should look. I know that my mom has the best intentions, but every time I would talk to her about it I would end up in tears. So I knew if I avoided the calls all together I would dodge those emotions. Sorry Mom!
- Some days I found myself laying in my room all day long, staring at the ceiling or watching endless hours of tv that I really hadn’t paid attention to. I knew that some nights my roommate would get home at 5:30 and I would strategically go lay in my room at that time because I wanted to avoid any conversation. Not because of her, but because I just didn’t want to fake being happy or talk about how I sat around all day and did the same thing I did everyday.
- I went to Austin for a bachelorette party. I wish that I could do that all over again. I tried to enjoy it as much as I could, but just found myself longing to go back to the house and lay in my bed.
- I didn’t want to drink, because drinking made my anxiety even worse. Some people understood or didn’t question it and other times I felt judged, so I would just avoid going out. A. I didn’t need to spend my money on it. B. To avoid people asking me any questions surrounding work. C. I was sick of forcing a smile on my face. This was probably more in my head, but it just seemed easier to stay at home.
- My relationship with Rhys was affected. I was so irritable. I picked a lot of fights and I can 100% cop to that. I’m sorry!
- I felt sick all the time. I experienced significant weight loss and weight gain. Constant headaches and I always felt so run down. I had no desire to step foot into a gym and even when I did I felt so exhausted after twenty minutes.I have had trouble sleeping for the last couple of years, but my sleep habits were so crazy these last six months. I would either not sleep at all or I would sleep for 16 hours.
- Social Media. You know that quote “Stop comparing your behind the scenes with everyone’s highlight reel”. It’s really hard to not compare. While being a blogger has a lot of upsides for me I found myself wanting to stay off all social platforms. I couldn’t watch another story of someone jetting off to another amazing city. I had no desire to create new content and the thought of writing a blog post pained me.
“What do you do?”
This isn’t something I ever really thought that deeply about until the other night. Rhys and I were talking about how he was listening to this Joe Rogan podcast. They were talking about how they hate the question “What do you do?” Some people ask because its a competition, some people ask because they are trying to see how you could help them get ahead, some ask because they genuinely care or because its a conversation starter. Most people answer that question with their job. What this podcast was trying to say is we are much more than that, it doesn’t have to define who you are. I really appreciate this perspective. We are so much more than our 9-5. From now on I am going to answer this question differently and answer with what I am passionate about and I challenge all of you to do that as well. Who knows you might find a common connection with your passions!
I went through a low low, but things are definitely looking up and everything is happening at once. I am starting this job next week and at the end of May Rhys and I are moving in together! We found the place we are living today. I am really sad to end my time being roomies with Molly because I have the best time living with her, but I know this next chapter will be just as great! They say “Good things come to those who wait” well let me tell ya my patience was wearing very thin and I don’t think I could have waited any longer haha.
I learned a lot over the last six months: about myself, what I want in my career, where I want to grow with the blog, what brought joy to my life, with my relationship with Rhys and most importantly I learned about the people who truly supported me and wanted only what was best for me. Being on a tight budget, I realized how things only brought me a certain amount of happiness but the experiences I have had or relationships with the people in my life are truly what matters most. Don’t get me wrong I still like things and I am so excited to go shopping and add some new pieces to my wardrobe for my new job. With that being said, I am enthusiastic about what’s to come and I can’t wait to share Life update Chapter 3 with you!